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ATS - Illyria (Ask Illyria)

Ask Illyria!

Not all of us are happy on Valentine's Day. Some of us are still seeking that special person or love has let us down.

Maybe a cold, dispassionate ear is what you need, so why not

(Just don't cry on her shoulder. She hates that).

Please leave your problems below and her Royal Blueness will get back to you.*

* No responibilty is taken for the suitability of Illyria's answers. She is a former God King of the Primordium. Oprah she ain't.

Dear Illyria

My housemate wants me to be all lovey today and I don't want to. How can I avoid this?

Yours Grumpily

You allow yourself to bend to the will of another like a slave worked until death. You are feeble and beneath my contempt.

Your humanity reeks and I wish to retch from the stink of it.


my ex wants us to be best buddies, he even brought me tea when my stomach ached last week. How should I do to make him know that he can be buried in the Hellmouth and I wouldn't give a damn!

Thanks in advance


Destroy him and display his body as warning to others. Something that has pulled itself out of the muck is not worthy of your attention.


This day of Valentine is pointless and wearying to such as me. Please, if the power is still thine, zap it into oblivion.

My power has deminished. This world was not strong enough to contain my grace. I cannot change this day although it sickens me to think of it.

I'm feeling particularly bitter today. Can I show you the one sorta-human it's just fine to kill? I have his address and everything. **bows before you**

All humans are of no consequence. That they live at all in an offense to me.

Illyria, I've never had a boyfriend. Never even been kissed. And I'm approaching a quarter century in age. How can I fix this abysmal situation?



I vanquished those that did not surrender to me. These things are worthless, merely pleasures of flesh that crawls through filth. You should not covet these things.

Dear Aunt Illyria

My 'im indoors' is not into the soppy stuff. How can I persuade him that a girl needs more than a brisk walk and a discussion on evolution versus creation theory do it for her?

gratefully yours,

horny devil

I'd like to know the answer to that one, too.

Dear Illyria

I'm having a problem with this has-been, skanky ex-god. She keeps making tentacular advances on my boyfriend the person who's in my heart. Do you think she'd maybe taste good fried and served with lemon?


I have no need of sustenance.

My rivals became little more than names uttered once on tongues cut out. I would not have let my treasures go.


How mayst I serve you?

I require no service but reverence from the scum that dares to speak it's name.

Dear Illyria,

I'd like to exact revenge upon my ex-boyfriend, but I'm not sure what the most painful way to do it would be. Skinning alive? Exsanguination?

Please help,


Those that defied my would watch in horror as their entails were burnt away.

::bows before Your Blue-Tinted Godliness::

Is Wesley really dead? If he isn't, do you think he'd go out with me? If he is, do you think he'd still go out with me?

Death is transient, an irrelevance. It can be overcome.

My Wesley desired the company of a human female. I believe you are such a disgusting thing. The one called Fred is gone.

Illyria, how do I get stubborn blood and brain stains out of my carpet?

A thousand slaves would scrub the stones of my palace.


The US postal system appears to have not delivered my Valentine Day card to it's intended recipient. What should I do?

In my day, revenge was as air. Take the butchered remains of those that have failed you and leave them from the winged beasts to devour.

Dear Illyria,

bogwitch has me doubled over in laughter. It's quite painful. What's the best way to punish her for making my sides hurt?

This is the emotion called mirth. It disgusts me. Death was the only punishment fit for my enemies, so I should look on their blood and be satisfied.


When it comes to serious relationships of the romantic type, I tend to become "emotionally unavailable." I've noticed that this particular trait has not seemed to stop YOU from tallying up the hot love interests. Wes, Spike-- I mean, wow. So, what do you suggest I do in order to do the same?

Thank you,


I have observed the male gendered half breeds and the humans. They want only what they cannot have. Their gaze is revolting. My suit is for battle, not for their lusts.