Previous Entry Share Next Entry
Scattypaws
bogwitch

Ficlet: Tellin’ Porkies (BtVS)

Anyone see this today on Yahoo UK & Ireland?



Yep, my mind went straight there…


Title: Tellin’ Porkies
Author: Bogwitch
Wordcount: 626
Characters: Spike, Dawn. Gen. PG for Spike’s bad influence.
Summary: Swine flu is no laughing matter. Post-Chosen.


“This is so, so bad,” Dawn gushed in a way that meant in no way was he meant to stop. “Do mine! Do mine!”

Spike did as he was told and punched the number she gave him into the cell phone. This wasn’t really the way he’d thought he’d bond again with the youngest Summers, but after all the years she’d been ignoring him with the coldest of shoulders, he would settle for what he could get. Besides, whatever his pesky soul might think, it felt good to be a little bit naughty – just this once.

The phone rang. Dawn moved closer, almost clambering over the arm of the chair in order to hear more. She was no longer the teenager he’d missed; the one that didn’t care if his influence wasn’t always a good one or who knew he was a bad man yet liked him anyway, she’d grown from the girl that had kept herself going by keeping him going when her sister was gone; instead this was a woman with the ink still wet on her degree, who had a bright future: a driven career girl who knew exactly what she wanted to do with her life. Yet, he was glad to see, the girl he’d known was still in there, young and irresponsible enough to get silly with a vampire more than old enough to know better.

“Hello,” a clipped telephone manner finally answered. “Harley Street Surgery Swine Flu Hotline. How can we help you?”

He gave Dawn a brief nod to tell her he’d got through, trying to keep his face as straight as possible to keep the laughter out of his voice. His partner in crime gave him an encouraging thumbs up.

“Uh, hi. I think I have this flu that’s hogging the news,” he said as seriously as he could. He even added some hoarseness to his voice, a hint of a cough to help sell the ruse.

Dawn desperately smothered her laugh with her hands. It came out as an awkward snort through her nose that Spike hoped hadn’t carried down the phone. There was money on this.

There was no reaction but absolute professionalism at the other end of the line. Maybe the woman hadn’t heard. “Can I ask what your symptoms are please?”

“Yeah. I um won’t boar you with all the details, but I’ve been sweating like a pig…”

Dawn’s face crumpled with the strain of not collapsing with the giggles. She grabbed a cushion, buried her face in it and let herself go.

The woman on the hotline wasn’t amused. “Who is this? Do you think you’re funny?”

Spike grinned at Dawn, who emerged from her refuge with tears streaking her cheeks. Knowing what he was aiming to say, she bit the edge of the cushion in readiness.

“Nah, I wouldn’t tell a porker like that.”

The woman slammed her phone down in disgust. Spike sighed; he hadn’t even got to mention the ‘bringing home the bacon’ bit.

“Oh god, that was so funny!” Delighted, Dawn wiped the tears away from her face. “And no mention of ‘oink’ means you lose!”

“Sod it. I made a pig’s ear of that.” Spike fumbled in his pocket for the fiver he owed her and she snatched it from her hand with a grin of pure triumph. “Right then, Nibs. I bet you that you won’t give Andrew a frenchie.” He waggled his tongue in case she had any doubt what he meant.

Dawn paled and thrust the note back at him. “Ugh. You can keep your money.”

Spike plucked it from her fingers, smirking a smirk tinged with a little of the old evil that still lingered in his black vampire heart.

That was the idea.

.

  • 1
*snort*

*double snort*

I'm ashamed that I didn't get it until 'boar you with the details'; 'hogging' completely passed me by. Though frankly I think that's because Swine Flu is SRS BSNS. *scowl* (Hee!)

Yes, this is the most incoherent comment ever... (In my defence, I just made white sauce, which is scary.)

Sounds terrifying.

I've spent a lovely afternoon thinking up pig puns.

*still fears the lumps*

Always good for a laugh. (There should be a pun in there, but I, alas, am rubbish at them...)

You could use a strainer.

But that would have proved defeat! Luckily it turned out fine in the end - the pasta bake was well and truly conquered.

I know nothing about those, so I'll just say hurrah!

*acts like the sailors at the end of PotC*

Full of rum and prostitutes?

No sorry that's the fic version. Ah no it isn't, if it was, they wouldn't need the prossies.

I meant the sailors on the governor's ship, with the rampant huzzahing and waving muskets in the air. Rum and prostitutes is less celebratory.

I wasn't sure anyone apart from the main cast existed in the fic version... And they all just sleep with each other.

I only remember Keira Knightley unfortunately not drowning.

I can't really remember what happened in the second two - it just happens I saw the first again relatively recently...

I know there's some tentacles and somewhere Chinese, but that's about it.

I've seen it a few times, but I still don't remember that.

Oh yeah, it gets all scope-broadening and random-other-pirates... I wasn't impressed with Elizabeth Swann becoming some sort of pirate queen. It made people think they should argue with my assertion that she and Will the Muppet were perfect for each other.

I'm all for a plucky heroine pirate, but they should have ditched those two after the first film. It would have served the story far better.

Ooh, that could have been fun...

I'm all for plucky heroines too, but would rather have watched a film about woman-whose-boat-Jack-stole or one of the Tortuga prostitutes. I found Swanny a bit too annoying.

Hence the desire to watch her body float off to Haiti.

ROFL! That is awesome!

Thanks!

Wait, hang on. You're reading a Spike fic???

Why are you suprised? I still read Buffy fic sometimes

Not very often though, admit it!

No, not any more. I make exceptions when it's people I know though and your fics are always good :)

:)

I don't read anything non-Winchester related myself, so I can hardly say anything. I seem to have a very stubborn muse though.

Good to see you here anyway.

Take the inspiration where you can get it :)

That made my tail curl in delight. ;-)

I couldn't resist a headline like that.

Hee! Nice to know that Spike and Dawn have made up, if not grown up... Thanks for sharing.

I doubt Spike ever will now.

Thanks. As you know, they are definitely a bad influence on each other.

Absolutely swinetastic. A pork barrel of laughs!

And I never even mentioned that Dawn had been a sow.

  • 1
?

Log in