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Scattypaws
bogwitch

LOTR fic

To me writing LOTR fic, is akin to fan ficcing the bible - it's just not done (or is it?).

Buuuuuuuuuuuut... I was playing LOTR:The Third Age today of ye olde PS2, when I asked myself, 'what does a Balrog do all day?'.

And Lo! a little fic was born, oh dear, oh dear.




The Secret Diary Of Bridget The Balrog

Well into the Fourth Age, long after the shadow was driven from the East, the realm of Moira was cleared of the foul things that dealt in its gloomy halls. Once again, dwarves came to dwell in its deeps, and so the underground kingdom prospered.

As they toiled, seeking out lost things amongst the wreckage wrought by many lifetimes of occupation by Orcs, they found, in the deepest, foulest place in the earth, a scrap from this:

The Secret Diary Of Bridget The Balrog, age lots and a half.

Monday January 9th

Burnt toast.
Can’t seem to get the hang of the temperature control on the arms of flame.
Ate 10 Orcs – Must cut down.

Tuesday January 10th

Burnt toast.
Set off fire alarm with billowing smoky body. Must have been the Orcs I ate yesterday. Note to self – Maybe if I cut down to six a day?
Ate 8 Orcs.

Wednesday January 11th

Burnt toast.
Clive the Cave Troll came for a visit, the old flirt! We ate far too many Orcs with tea. He had some interesting gossip about whom the Watcher in the Water has been dating recently! Well, I never! I didn’t think she’d ever get a date with that fishy breath.
Orcs eaten 15. OMG.


Thursday January 12th

Burnt toast again.
Now have indigestion. Rumblings echoing round the mineshafts. The Orcs complained, but I ate them.
Orcs eaten 22.

Friday January 13th

Declared day of fasting after yesterday’s binge. Am only eating fruit.

Saturday January 14th

Skipped toast.
Quiet day. Did crossword. Burnt hole in sofa - body of swirling flame plays havoc with furnishings. Oiled the fiery whip.
Orcs eaten 4 (Yay! Go diet!)

Sunday January 15th

Burnt toast.
Orcs kept me up all night with bloody battle drums. In very bad mood. I’m just nipping out to see if I can ask them to turn it down a bit…

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LMAO!

That was too funny!

Thank you for indulging my little moment of insanity.

Oi! My non-son-in-law's an Orc! You can't go eating him, Balrog or not! There again, I suppose suppose if you go all flamy you can eat anyone you like... Don't look at me like that....ARRGH!

Great story. :)

They're great with BBQ sauce, but they can be a bit raw on the inside if you don't flame them long enough.

Oh he'd stick in your teeth, believe you me! ;)

I'll make sure he's well done.

Good stuff.

Later tonight I will be fanficcing the Bible.

"Oh, Jonathan! Soothe my kingly brow!"
"It's not your brow I'll be soothing, my liege!"

I just died.

This was too delicious.

Burnt Toast!

I almost burned the house down yesterday, leaving a pan of turkey bones on to make stock. And then I came up and posted the link to the fic, and then surfed the boards a bit and then . . . the house filled with smoke but did not set off the smoke alarm.

:D

Glad it's appropriate (or shouldn't I be?).

I love that Balrog. I want a cuddly one.

While I am with you on the "it's not done" as to writing LOTR fanfic, I howled at this. Brilliant.

Thanks for a little lightening of the mood around here.

Thanks, there is far too much doom and gloom at the moment, one way or another. I think I must be feeling better as my comedy muse appears to be back.

daegaer fanfics the Bible. She does it extremely well.

Oh, and fanficcing the Bible has been around for thousands of years. It's called "midrash."

Well, someone was bound to, but I hadn't seen any. That may be because I have never looked!

Oh, all becomes clear!

Excellent stuff - much better than the original (BJD, that is...)

Now. Back to Cordy. Shoo!

See I can crack a whip too!

::hangs head in shame::

But Cordy is so harrrrrrrd!

This is too funny. It's like Rosencrantz and Glidenstern...(hopefully spelled correctly)

Thanks. I haven't seen that in years. Must go and dig it out!

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